Tag Archive | musings

Thought

Taking into
Careful consideration
I ponder.

Tires me, this thinking
Constant
Persistent.

Yet I do not know
how or when
could it stop.

To be is to think
to think is to be
Am I being or thinking me?

(free writing, as it flowed into my mind, on the afternoon of September 29th – no edits whatsoever)

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Desabafando | Letting it out

Já se passou algum tempo. Ando a evitar chatear-vos muito com os meus dramas interiores e batalhas mentais, mas depois penso que este espaço foi feito para a partilha. Não só daquilo que “produzo” artisticamente, mas de mim – pelo sentido de conexão e união, de pertença até, que isso possa trazer: para vocês que me lêem e para mim que escrevo ( e recebo os vossos comentários e opiniões, que me enriquecem de tantas formas).

Ando irrequieta, interiormente. Sinto que se aproxima uma grande mudança, que de certa forma fui eu que pus em movimento, mas não estou preparada. Cheia de medos, de questões, de incertezas. Não ajuda que este instinto não seja algo de concreto, relativo ao que mudará em que aspecto da minha vida e como – é apenas aquela sensação intensa de que alguma coisa vai mudar, vai acabar, vai dar uma volta. E com essa sensação vem alguma angústia – o que me deixa ainda mais irrequieta e mais preocupada nesta cabeça de hiper-pensadora, ruminadora – que me enche de preocupação e de temores e me deixa paranóica.

Vamos a ver o que os próximos tempos me trazem, depois da confusão que foi o mês de Agosto em termos de relações familiares e estabilidade emocional…torçam por mim, sim?

It has been a while. I have been avoiding to nagg you too much with my inner dramas and mental battles, but then I think that this space was created for sharing. Not only what I “produce” artistically, but myself – for the sense of connection and union, even belonging, that it may bring: for you that read me and for me writing (and receiving your comments and opinions, which enrich me in so many ways).

I have been feeling restless inside. Feeling like a big change is coming, on that it was me who set in motion in some ways, but I am not ready. Filled with fears, questions, uncertainties. It does not help that this instinct is not defined, in regards to what is going to change in which aspect of my life and how – it is just this instense sentationthat something is going to change, to end, to take a turn, a 180º. With that sensation in comes some anguish – which makes me even more restless and more worried in this overthinking ruminating head of mine- which fills me up with worries and fears and makes me paranoid.

Let us see what times will bring, after the confusion all of August was in family relations and emotional stability…fingers crossed for me, ok?

I have been (over)thinking

I feel restless. I feel miserable. I feel lost.

I really don’t know what to do with myself lately. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness, where you know that something has do be done but you have no idea what or how? Has anyone overcome a stage like this that can give me any pointers or tips on how to go about this incredible need for something (I really don’t know what), for change, for purpose?

Family matters are tense, to be soft on it. I find myself very much on my own when it comes to close blood ties. My relationship with my mother tends to deteriorate further and further with each interaction and I do not know how to go about it right now except distancing myself, for all it does is hurt me and bring me further down. Then, this distancing – perhaps even severing ties (at least for the time being) – also hurts me and brings me further down, fills me with fears of being all alone in the world, helpess and unsupported and just sort of…orphaned.

I know I am not: I have other family that I feel would lend a helping hand and be there for me, as well as good friends – the family I chose and that chose me – who wish to see me well, desire me to be close to them and would extend a helping hand whenever needed. I have my guy, supportive and caring, ever more patient towards my quirks that annoy him – really making the effort for us to be all we can as a team, as partners, as companions. Yet this person, my mother, is one of the grandest foundations of my life, along with being also a source of many of my “traumas” – I really don’t want to call them traumas as I don’t feel my stuff is as severe as what you would call trauma, let’s go with ‘dents’ instead. Together with my grandmother (though not biological), still living and nearing 92 years of age; they comprise the living relatives that I remember being there my entire existence. The onset of dementia brought by a nasty fall, along with all that old age brings, is taking my grandma away from me day by day – living away from her, every time I go on a visit the pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Oh, how the forced perception of mortality (others’ and my own) hurts!

What is the point in all this? Why struggle so much, to have, to amass, to buy, to be rich…? Nothing of it goes with us – should mankind really be such a slave of its own construct?

Yes, I have been feeling terribly non-conformist. Tired of the way we live. I feel myself drowning in meaningless struggle for something I don’t see as truly purposeful or suitable for me and the happiness and serenity I long for.

Any thoughts or advice? Am I alone in this?

(I did go a long way on this one, didn’t I? Sorry folks!)

Been away… but now I’m back!

As you might have noticed, I was absent for a couple of weeks. There are several reasons for that, of course.

One, workload. Not that I have an immense workload, but my bosses have these periods when they demand anything and everything of me – at the same time. These past two weeks were a bit like that.

Two, a need for some soul-searching. Though I love my job, doing all these secretary and receptionist things (except maybe telephone calls – telephone calls are hell, I hate them!), I have been feeling a bit…stagnated, perhaps. I have been struggling to find meaning in my work and been longing to find that exact work that could fullfil that need of mine.

Three, the intense heat. It has been hot as peppers around here and that, of course, subdues most of my productive juices into a languid lump of lazy me. I love Summer, I love the heat – but I know it makes me be lazier than usual, even with things I love.

writing-923882_960_720Four, a bit of writers block. Associate with point 2. Feeling lost and useless in the world tends to drain my ability to write – even though the inspiration is as fervent as ever or more!
It’s that depressing feeling of not being productive to the world, feeling that everything you do has no meaning and in no way contributes to the betterment of the world – it kind of stops you dead in your tracks with everything you do – wether it is something you really love doing or not.

Five, taking some time for other things. Like my Reiki traireiki-principles.190154340_std.jpgning – which I have been slacking off quite a lot. Decided to focus more on it – and, associated with it, my meditation practice. That also means I decided to work on myself, in an honest manner. Inner work to grow my being and feel fullfilled. Along with this, I decided to take my volunteering to write for the Portuguese Reiki Association blog more seriously – hence not writing so much here (I have to tell you, writing the covering of an event from almost 2 weeks ago has been hell).

Six, and last (but not least): gaming. Yes, the addiction is there and I have been indulging – most certainly Brave Exviusbecause of how I’ve been feeling about my life. So, what have I been playing? As I showed you in my previous post, Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on my phone, alongside Final Fantasy X, remastered, on the PS3 (revivalism, I so love that game – maybe because it was my first Final Fantasy!).

Also on the phone…the unavoidable Pokémon GO! I am now taking nice walks,by myself and with my guy once in a while, which has helped improve my mood and also has gotten me pokemon-go-live-in-japan-for-field-test_kj4d.640to do some exercise! It is such a thrill and I feel so childish and happy while searching for new pokemons for my collection! With all due precautions, of course.

 

So, that’s been my last two weeks…what about yours?
(And do you have any advice for me, concerning the dillemas I presented you in this little confession of mine?)

Love and light,

Rell

– Reencontro de Colegas –

É hoje que se realiza um jantar que sinto que será muito interessante… 10 anos depois de serem finalistas (eu fui um ano depois), alguns dos colegas de faculdade propuseram um jantar de reencontro. Um pouco no espírito das reuniões de “X” anos depois do Liceu que fazem na América (ou pelo menos nos filmes).

Estou muito curiosa em relação ao que irá acontecer neste jantar, como vão estar as pessoas depois deste tempo…se ainda há uma afinidade natural com as pessoas com quem a tínhamos quando fomos caloirinhos e durante o percurso académico que se seguiu. Se a maioria manteve contacto ou não, depois do fim daquela fase da vida.

Como fiquei retida no 2º ano, ao mesmo tempo que entrei para a Magna Tuna ApocalISCSPiana, perdi um pouco deste criar de laços que unem este grupo de pessoas – ao mesmo tempo que sendo uma pessoa terrível a manter contacto acabei por me afastar aos poucos, especialmente após o regresso ao Algarve. Mas o carinho por estas pessoas, com quem partilhei excelentes momentos, nunca se desvaneceu! (tanto as do curso, nas várias turmas em que estive; como as da Tuna, com quem também fui uma nódoa a manter contacto!)

Recentemente, retomei contacto com uma dessas pessoas: a Rita, do blog From Pemberley to Milton, sobre JAFF e North and South. Foi muito bom, tem sido maravilhoso sentir esta re-conexão com alguém com quem tinha criado tanta empatia há cerca de 14 anos (oh GOD! 14?!). Gostava de conseguir o mesmo com tantas pessoas que foram saindo lentamente da minha vida mas não da lembrança e estou entusiasmada com este jantar especialmente por isso!

Estando noutro ponto do meu ser e estar na vida, creio que me será muito mais fácil, em especial em comparação à miúda de 17 anos que aterrou no Alto da Ajuda sem saber muito bem o que era aquilo tudo e se seria o que queria, socializar hoje, mesmo com o meu jeito introvertido e preocupado com o que irão pensar sobre mim e etc. (introvertido sofre!)

Depois logo vos conto como foi (com fotos e tudo e tudo)!

 

Abreijos!

Pensado em coisas… | Thinking of stuff

Ando cansada do mundo. Deste paradigma que impulsiona a sociedade.
Não me faz sentido; não ressoa no meu sentir; não parece mais funcionar para a Humanidade.

Pensar nestas coisas angustia-me. Pensar no que nos aguarda nos dias vindouros, é um exercício intelectual que me assusta. Mas dou por mim, cada vez mais, a revisitar estes pensamentos e a re-sentir estas angústias e temores.

Será que podemos mudar alguma coisa? Como? Por onde começar?

Não sei. Não sei. Não sei. Mas há que tentar.

 

I have been feeling tired of the world. Of this paradigm that drives society.
It does not make sense to me; it does not find an echo within my feeling; it doesn’t seem to work for Humanity anymore.

 

Thinking about these things leaves me anguished. Thinking about wait awaits us in days to come, is an intelectual exercise that frightens me. But I find myself, ever more, reviting these thoughs and feeling these anguishes and fears once again.

Can we change anything? How? Where to start?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. But we must try.