Tag Archive | meaning

I have been (over)thinking

I feel restless. I feel miserable. I feel lost.

I really don’t know what to do with myself lately. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness, where you know that something has do be done but you have no idea what or how? Has anyone overcome a stage like this that can give me any pointers or tips on how to go about this incredible need for something (I really don’t know what), for change, for purpose?

Family matters are tense, to be soft on it. I find myself very much on my own when it comes to close blood ties. My relationship with my mother tends to deteriorate further and further with each interaction and I do not know how to go about it right now except distancing myself, for all it does is hurt me and bring me further down. Then, this distancing – perhaps even severing ties (at least for the time being) – also hurts me and brings me further down, fills me with fears of being all alone in the world, helpess and unsupported and just sort of…orphaned.

I know I am not: I have other family that I feel would lend a helping hand and be there for me, as well as good friends – the family I chose and that chose me – who wish to see me well, desire me to be close to them and would extend a helping hand whenever needed. I have my guy, supportive and caring, ever more patient towards my quirks that annoy him – really making the effort for us to be all we can as a team, as partners, as companions. Yet this person, my mother, is one of the grandest foundations of my life, along with being also a source of many of my “traumas” – I really don’t want to call them traumas as I don’t feel my stuff is as severe as what you would call trauma, let’s go with ‘dents’ instead. Together with my grandmother (though not biological), still living and nearing 92 years of age; they comprise the living relatives that I remember being there my entire existence. The onset of dementia brought by a nasty fall, along with all that old age brings, is taking my grandma away from me day by day – living away from her, every time I go on a visit the pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Oh, how the forced perception of mortality (others’ and my own) hurts!

What is the point in all this? Why struggle so much, to have, to amass, to buy, to be rich…? Nothing of it goes with us – should mankind really be such a slave of its own construct?

Yes, I have been feeling terribly non-conformist. Tired of the way we live. I feel myself drowning in meaningless struggle for something I don’t see as truly purposeful or suitable for me and the happiness and serenity I long for.

Any thoughts or advice? Am I alone in this?

(I did go a long way on this one, didn’t I? Sorry folks!)

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Been away… but now I’m back!

As you might have noticed, I was absent for a couple of weeks. There are several reasons for that, of course.

One, workload. Not that I have an immense workload, but my bosses have these periods when they demand anything and everything of me – at the same time. These past two weeks were a bit like that.

Two, a need for some soul-searching. Though I love my job, doing all these secretary and receptionist things (except maybe telephone calls – telephone calls are hell, I hate them!), I have been feeling a bit…stagnated, perhaps. I have been struggling to find meaning in my work and been longing to find that exact work that could fullfil that need of mine.

Three, the intense heat. It has been hot as peppers around here and that, of course, subdues most of my productive juices into a languid lump of lazy me. I love Summer, I love the heat – but I know it makes me be lazier than usual, even with things I love.

writing-923882_960_720Four, a bit of writers block. Associate with point 2. Feeling lost and useless in the world tends to drain my ability to write – even though the inspiration is as fervent as ever or more!
It’s that depressing feeling of not being productive to the world, feeling that everything you do has no meaning and in no way contributes to the betterment of the world – it kind of stops you dead in your tracks with everything you do – wether it is something you really love doing or not.

Five, taking some time for other things. Like my Reiki traireiki-principles.190154340_std.jpgning – which I have been slacking off quite a lot. Decided to focus more on it – and, associated with it, my meditation practice. That also means I decided to work on myself, in an honest manner. Inner work to grow my being and feel fullfilled. Along with this, I decided to take my volunteering to write for the Portuguese Reiki Association blog more seriously – hence not writing so much here (I have to tell you, writing the covering of an event from almost 2 weeks ago has been hell).

Six, and last (but not least): gaming. Yes, the addiction is there and I have been indulging – most certainly Brave Exviusbecause of how I’ve been feeling about my life. So, what have I been playing? As I showed you in my previous post, Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on my phone, alongside Final Fantasy X, remastered, on the PS3 (revivalism, I so love that game – maybe because it was my first Final Fantasy!).

Also on the phone…the unavoidable Pokémon GO! I am now taking nice walks,by myself and with my guy once in a while, which has helped improve my mood and also has gotten me pokemon-go-live-in-japan-for-field-test_kj4d.640to do some exercise! It is such a thrill and I feel so childish and happy while searching for new pokemons for my collection! With all due precautions, of course.

 

So, that’s been my last two weeks…what about yours?
(And do you have any advice for me, concerning the dillemas I presented you in this little confession of mine?)

Love and light,

Rell