Agorafobia?
Um dia podia e iria
Entre sonhos e magia
A outro universo inteiro e diria
Que nada mais eu quereria
Voltaria
Sossegaria a alma inquieta
Escreveria tudo o que me afecta
Poderia dar de mim o melhor sem
Temor
Dor maior
De ser e não poder
De tremer a temer o pior
De fugir
De não sorrir
De fechar tudo em mim
Fechar-me de tudo enfim
Fechando a dor de mais um fim
Nada mais que negando dizendo sim
Agorafobia!
Caminho interrompido
Pesadelo escolhido
Na multidão perdido
Sem ar, ser mar
Sem som, ser cor
Sem ver, ser menos e mais
Exclamar estes ais (!)
Que guardo do mundo
Que corroem com medo
Neste rodopio mudo
Neste aberto segredo.
Agorafobia…
Nem tanto nem sei
Não é medo das pessoas
Nem é medo do que sei
É um terror que assola
Existência vã enfim
Agarrado gravitante a uma bola
De minérios a girar no universo sem fim.
Tag Archive | emotion
I have been (over)thinking
I feel restless. I feel miserable. I feel lost.
I really don’t know what to do with myself lately. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness, where you know that something has do be done but you have no idea what or how? Has anyone overcome a stage like this that can give me any pointers or tips on how to go about this incredible need for something (I really don’t know what), for change, for purpose?
Family matters are tense, to be soft on it. I find myself very much on my own when it comes to close blood ties. My relationship with my mother tends to deteriorate further and further with each interaction and I do not know how to go about it right now except distancing myself, for all it does is hurt me and bring me further down. Then, this distancing – perhaps even severing ties (at least for the time being) – also hurts me and brings me further down, fills me with fears of being all alone in the world, helpess and unsupported and just sort of…orphaned.
I know I am not: I have other family that I feel would lend a helping hand and be there for me, as well as good friends – the family I chose and that chose me – who wish to see me well, desire me to be close to them and would extend a helping hand whenever needed. I have my guy, supportive and caring, ever more patient towards my quirks that annoy him – really making the effort for us to be all we can as a team, as partners, as companions. Yet this person, my mother, is one of the grandest foundations of my life, along with being also a source of many of my “traumas” – I really don’t want to call them traumas as I don’t feel my stuff is as severe as what you would call trauma, let’s go with ‘dents’ instead. Together with my grandmother (though not biological), still living and nearing 92 years of age; they comprise the living relatives that I remember being there my entire existence. The onset of dementia brought by a nasty fall, along with all that old age brings, is taking my grandma away from me day by day – living away from her, every time I go on a visit the pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Oh, how the forced perception of mortality (others’ and my own) hurts!
What is the point in all this? Why struggle so much, to have, to amass, to buy, to be rich…? Nothing of it goes with us – should mankind really be such a slave of its own construct?
Yes, I have been feeling terribly non-conformist. Tired of the way we live. I feel myself drowning in meaningless struggle for something I don’t see as truly purposeful or suitable for me and the happiness and serenity I long for.
Any thoughts or advice? Am I alone in this?
(I did go a long way on this one, didn’t I? Sorry folks!)
Carta a um amor longínquo…
δ Agosto, 2011 δ
Meu amor,
Amo-te, antes agora e sempre.
Tua, inteiramente
Mashiara
Been away… but now I’m back!
As you might have noticed, I was absent for a couple of weeks. There are several reasons for that, of course.
One, workload. Not that I have an immense workload, but my bosses have these periods when they demand anything and everything of me – at the same time. These past two weeks were a bit like that.
Two, a need for some soul-searching. Though I love my job, doing all these secretary and receptionist things (except maybe telephone calls – telephone calls are hell, I hate them!), I have been feeling a bit…stagnated, perhaps. I have been struggling to find meaning in my work and been longing to find that exact work that could fullfil that need of mine.
Three, the intense heat. It has been hot as peppers around here and that, of course, subdues most of my productive juices into a languid lump of lazy me. I love Summer, I love the heat – but I know it makes me be lazier than usual, even with things I love.
Four, a bit of writers block. Associate with point 2. Feeling lost and useless in the world tends to drain my ability to write – even though the inspiration is as fervent as ever or more!
It’s that depressing feeling of not being productive to the world, feeling that everything you do has no meaning and in no way contributes to the betterment of the world – it kind of stops you dead in your tracks with everything you do – wether it is something you really love doing or not.
Five, taking some time for other things. Like my Reiki training – which I have been slacking off quite a lot. Decided to focus more on it – and, associated with it, my meditation practice. That also means I decided to work on myself, in an honest manner. Inner work to grow my being and feel fullfilled. Along with this, I decided to take my volunteering to write for the Portuguese Reiki Association blog more seriously – hence not writing so much here (I have to tell you, writing the covering of an event from almost 2 weeks ago has been hell).
Six, and last (but not least): gaming. Yes, the addiction is there and I have been indulging – most certainly because of how I’ve been feeling about my life. So, what have I been playing? As I showed you in my previous post, Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on my phone, alongside Final Fantasy X, remastered, on the PS3 (revivalism, I so love that game – maybe because it was my first Final Fantasy!).
Also on the phone…the unavoidable Pokémon GO! I am now taking nice walks,by myself and with my guy once in a while, which has helped improve my mood and also has gotten me to do some exercise! It is such a thrill and I feel so childish and happy while searching for new pokemons for my collection! With all due precautions, of course.
So, that’s been my last two weeks…what about yours?
(And do you have any advice for me, concerning the dillemas I presented you in this little confession of mine?)
Love and light,
Rell
Pensado em coisas… | Thinking of stuff
Ando cansada do mundo. Deste paradigma que impulsiona a sociedade.
Não me faz sentido; não ressoa no meu sentir; não parece mais funcionar para a Humanidade.
Pensar nestas coisas angustia-me. Pensar no que nos aguarda nos dias vindouros, é um exercício intelectual que me assusta. Mas dou por mim, cada vez mais, a revisitar estes pensamentos e a re-sentir estas angústias e temores.
Será que podemos mudar alguma coisa? Como? Por onde começar?
Não sei. Não sei. Não sei. Mas há que tentar.
—
I have been feeling tired of the world. Of this paradigm that drives society.
It does not make sense to me; it does not find an echo within my feeling; it doesn’t seem to work for Humanity anymore.
Thinking about these things leaves me anguished. Thinking about wait awaits us in days to come, is an intelectual exercise that frightens me. But I find myself, ever more, reviting these thoughs and feeling these anguishes and fears once again.
Can we change anything? How? Where to start?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. But we must try.
Meu amor
Evoluções | Evolutions
28 de abril de 2012

=Deception of perception=
Tell me sweet little lies that you like it that I'm beautiful that it's good. Tell me small white lies that you like me that it's beautiful that it's never been so good. Say all the words I want to hear, I'll know they're untrue but I won't shed a tear. Say all those pretty words to make my heart skip a beat. I'll believe them all that'll be my downfall. 05 June 2011
Amore Anima
Anima Mea Aeterna
coração da noite
aroma de deserto
sabor de café e menta
asa negra estrelada
onda de mar revolto
sopro de brisa agreste
lábios de puro mel
mãos de sal e sol
corpo de impuro divino
ardente sussurro
torrente de emoção
muralha protectora de
amplo abraço terno
ágil sonho profundo
sorriso de fumo
beijo pleno de luar
lugar onde mais pertenço
castelo étereo de prata e ónix
não me voltes a deixar.
Agosto, 2011
\- Climático – /
Sinto os teus lábios no vento
meu mago da tempestade
nas cores do sol poente
sinto a tua vontade.
Inspiras-me a ser mais eu
com a dança das nuvens no céu
e nas matinais flores orvalhadas
leio tuas palavras sussurradas.
Agosto, 2011