I have been (over)thinking

I feel restless. I feel miserable. I feel lost.

I really don’t know what to do with myself lately. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness, where you know that something has do be done but you have no idea what or how? Has anyone overcome a stage like this that can give me any pointers or tips on how to go about this incredible need for something (I really don’t know what), for change, for purpose?

Family matters are tense, to be soft on it. I find myself very much on my own when it comes to close blood ties. My relationship with my mother tends to deteriorate further and further with each interaction and I do not know how to go about it right now except distancing myself, for all it does is hurt me and bring me further down. Then, this distancing – perhaps even severing ties (at least for the time being) – also hurts me and brings me further down, fills me with fears of being all alone in the world, helpess and unsupported and just sort of…orphaned.

I know I am not: I have other family that I feel would lend a helping hand and be there for me, as well as good friends – the family I chose and that chose me – who wish to see me well, desire me to be close to them and would extend a helping hand whenever needed. I have my guy, supportive and caring, ever more patient towards my quirks that annoy him – really making the effort for us to be all we can as a team, as partners, as companions. Yet this person, my mother, is one of the grandest foundations of my life, along with being also a source of many of my “traumas” – I really don’t want to call them traumas as I don’t feel my stuff is as severe as what you would call trauma, let’s go with ‘dents’ instead. Together with my grandmother (though not biological), still living and nearing 92 years of age; they comprise the living relatives that I remember being there my entire existence. The onset of dementia brought by a nasty fall, along with all that old age brings, is taking my grandma away from me day by day – living away from her, every time I go on a visit the pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Oh, how the forced perception of mortality (others’ and my own) hurts!

What is the point in all this? Why struggle so much, to have, to amass, to buy, to be rich…? Nothing of it goes with us – should mankind really be such a slave of its own construct?

Yes, I have been feeling terribly non-conformist. Tired of the way we live. I feel myself drowning in meaningless struggle for something I don’t see as truly purposeful or suitable for me and the happiness and serenity I long for.

Any thoughts or advice? Am I alone in this?

(I did go a long way on this one, didn’t I? Sorry folks!)


The Crest of Snow and Copper – Ending

** Warning *** Mature content ahead *** My “sort of” erotic piece ***
I’ll be posting this short story in a few installments, weekly. Would love to have your feedback on it, pretty please?
The Ending:

– It’s not what you think… I’m sorry! – He started explaining, while her anger built up slowly to a desire to beat him up. – I really don’t know how to explain this any better than saying that that marking is something that I bestow upon beings extremely rarely. It means something more than ‘I’ve been here’. It means you belong to me. But it also means I belong to you.

She was dumb shocked. Had he just said that she belonged to him? More, had he just said he belonged to her? Something seemed extremely impossible to her in all this, now. When was she going to wake up, for this could only be another dream?

– You did something to me… marked me, to show I belong to you and you belong to me? – The girl asked, confused. – But most people aren’t able to see that marking? So what’s the point? And what do you mean with belonging?

– The mark, my seal, my crest, if you wish to call it like that. It may not be visible to the majority, but even though they don’t see it, they will know you have someone. – He started explaining, with a soft smile on those rosy ‘just-the-perfect-amount-of-thick’ lips. – You did something to me, you know? You awakened something in me I had no idea I had. You saw in me things, a person, not even I had seen. You have marked me long before I marked you. And that marking you gave me is just as invisible as your own.

She was speechless. All that was like him saying he loved her, actually. Maybe even more than that. The girl could only smile, understanding his actions. She could only hold him tight as she kissed him. She could only try to hold back those tears of joy that ran down her cheeks into his face. She had never felt like this. She had never been felt like this.

Resting again on his chest, the girl curled with the boy, both slipping slowly into the land of dreams. Though no dream could ever compare to how they felt in each other’s arms.

Balada de um Coração Só

“Um guerreiro da Luz faz sempre algo fora do comum.
Pode dançar na rua enquanto caminha para o trabalho, olhar nos olhos um desconhecido e falar de amor à primeira vista, defender uma ideia que pode parecer ridícula. O guerreiro da Luz permite-se tais dias.
Ele não tem medo de chorar mágoas antigas ou alegrar-se com novas descobertas. Quando sente que chegou a hora, larga tudo e parte para a sua aventura tão sonhada. Quando entende que está no limite da sua resistência, sai do combate, sem se culpar por ter feito uma ou duas loucuras inesperadas.
Um guerreiro não passa os seus dias tentando representar o papel que os outros escolheram para ele.”

– Paulo Coelho, Manual do Guerreiro da Luz

Permitirmo-nos sentir tudo o que é possível a um humanos sentir; chorar de dor, rir de êxtase, dançar de alegria; cria contentamento e uma sensação de estar completo na alma.
O medo do ridículo nunca deveria impedir-nos de fazer o que o coração nos pede, assim como o medo de sofrer nunca nos deveria impedir de arriscar. A felicidade espreita em cada esquina, basta apenas aceitar tudo o que ela acarreta.

Meu amor

Hoje vi-te.
O sol ganhou calor
a tristeza virou cor
e a minh’alma sorriu.
Meu coração correu
descompassado bateu
meu amor, meu amor.
Hoje vi-te.
As lágrimas fizeram sentido
as saudades ficaram comigo
a esperança cá dentro gritou.
Meus lábios quiseram beijar-te
meus braços, envolver-te
meu amor, meu amor.
Hoje vi-te.
O teu rosto de poema
as tuas mãos postas em cena
o sorriso sedutor.
Meu corpo tremia
minha boca dizia
meu amor, meu amor.
Hoje vi-te.
Foi como um renascer
da tua ausência doer
da perda e da mágoa sem fim.
Quis correr e agarrar-te
quis a viva voz chamar-te
meu amor. Meu amor!

To thy muted heart

To feel… feeling nothing is so much better than the horrible way we feel sometimes. That’s why we choose what’s safe – what is guaranteed not to make us hurt or suffer. We take the easy way out and refuse to take a leap of fatih into our own right to happiness. Cowards we are for the sake of our own hearts, for the pain of a broken heart is like none other.
Why? Why not try, risk, take that extra step? Why not be truly brave and keep ahead even though the feelings scare us and the uncertainties of all drive us into trembling hesitation? Why not be scared for a while and know real bliss and sincere affection instead of keeping on feeling as something’s missing (sorry John Mayer,lol), nurturing a loneliness we are not even aware for most of the time? Why not try, instead of hiding behing the “should be’s”?
Why not honour the ones who deserve it the most – our own selves? Everytime we fail to follow our hearts and give happiness the chance it’s trying to give us… we dishonour our very core as humans, we shame our souls, we kill the good there is in hope. Let’s just take the step and give ourselves the chance we truly deserve.
Go for it!
(originally written on February 7th, 2012 – still important today!)