I have been (over)thinking

I feel restless. I feel miserable. I feel lost.

I really don’t know what to do with myself lately. Can anyone relate to this feeling of helplessness, where you know that something has do be done but you have no idea what or how? Has anyone overcome a stage like this that can give me any pointers or tips on how to go about this incredible need for something (I really don’t know what), for change, for purpose?

Family matters are tense, to be soft on it. I find myself very much on my own when it comes to close blood ties. My relationship with my mother tends to deteriorate further and further with each interaction and I do not know how to go about it right now except distancing myself, for all it does is hurt me and bring me further down. Then, this distancing – perhaps even severing ties (at least for the time being) – also hurts me and brings me further down, fills me with fears of being all alone in the world, helpess and unsupported and just sort of…orphaned.

I know I am not: I have other family that I feel would lend a helping hand and be there for me, as well as good friends – the family I chose and that chose me – who wish to see me well, desire me to be close to them and would extend a helping hand whenever needed. I have my guy, supportive and caring, ever more patient towards my quirks that annoy him – really making the effort for us to be all we can as a team, as partners, as companions. Yet this person, my mother, is one of the grandest foundations of my life, along with being also a source of many of my “traumas” – I really don’t want to call them traumas as I don’t feel my stuff is as severe as what you would call trauma, let’s go with ‘dents’ instead. Together with my grandmother (though not biological), still living and nearing 92 years of age; they comprise the living relatives that I remember being there my entire existence. The onset of dementia brought by a nasty fall, along with all that old age brings, is taking my grandma away from me day by day – living away from her, every time I go on a visit the pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Oh, how the forced perception of mortality (others’ and my own) hurts!

What is the point in all this? Why struggle so much, to have, to amass, to buy, to be rich…? Nothing of it goes with us – should mankind really be such a slave of its own construct?

Yes, I have been feeling terribly non-conformist. Tired of the way we live. I feel myself drowning in meaningless struggle for something I don’t see as truly purposeful or suitable for me and the happiness and serenity I long for.

Any thoughts or advice? Am I alone in this?

(I did go a long way on this one, didn’t I? Sorry folks!)

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “I have been (over)thinking

  1. Over thinking is good, and it’s good to see how deep you can go on an issue like this.
    Look at what you have, you are very much not alone, but at the time you are not fully complete without your mothers relationship. Be strong and think is building or fighting for this relationship going to do you good for your future?

    Like

    • Thank you for your comment, for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your insight. i am still dealing with a lot from the latest events with my mother, so I am still not quite there as to being able to answer that question – but I am confident I will be able to, in due time.

      I am really grateful for your words and your contribution!

      Like

  2. You have alot to be grateful. You should not focus on receiving . Be intentional about giving. Giving love, giving attention. Its easy for human to expect to be treated in certain way but instead of expectations, take responsibility to show them how to live. Be the example . Give what you expect and dont stop until it comes back to you. Do not expect your mother to understand you rather understand her first. Do not expect her to show you the love you deserve first rather show her unconditional love. Treat her nice . Its our responsibility to Honour our parents…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s